Bathroom Wars and Other Goodies

After the Top Gun post, I thought I'd write about other recent events that have been going on in my life. On to it!

People want to know what school is like in Perth. I like to compare it to Saved By The Bell: The College Years, mainly because I've seen at least three mullets here that are on par AC Slater's. Honestly I'm not sure what to compare it to, as I've never had classes like these before. What I mean by that is they're extremely easy. For example, all my Australian Studies class requires this entire semester is three 2-3 page responses to our field trips (people from St. Olaf may now throw their computer in a jealous rage. Go on, I won't go anywhere. Done? Ok). John, Andrew and I are taking a sexology class. I just had the introduction this week, and next week we'll be watching a desensitization video so that we'll be more comfortable with the material. Some people might think it's cool we get to watch porn in class, but our teacher made it clear that this was anything but porn. She said this movie was made in the '70s, a time when nobody did any sort of body hair grooming. It contains people in wheelchairs having sex, and other things I can't remember off the top of my head, but I promise to tell you all about it after I see it Tuesday. Im pretty sure I'll feel so traumatized that no amount of cleaning will help me. So how did we get here? Oh yeah, basically classes are easy.

The other day I played basketball with some Australians and was able to introduce my soaking-wet jumpshot to the land down under. Basically I dominated more than Michael Jordan did against the Monstars. I also introduced inadvertent hacking and egregious fouling to the Australians as well. How else am I supposed to guard someone who's 50 pounds lighter than me? Pretty soon my opponents were begging me to have mercy on them, but I would hear none of it. My two-inch-vertical and I put on a clinic in rebounding my own shot five times in a row before finally making the basket. Yes ladies and gentlemen, it was quite a sight to see.

Finally, an update on the bathroom wars. I will not stop until this mystery girl flatmate is completely broken. She left a note under my door explaining that she is disgusted that I continue to use the bathroom she designated for the girls for my morning sit on the throne. She's weakening! I must continue to be on the offensive. I don't understand what she means by disgusted though. I apply the same mantra I use for camping as I do for the bathroom: leave no footprints or skidmarks behind. I think she has the the wrong person if that's what she has a problem with. I must figure out how I can use this to my advantage. Some of you out there might be wondering: Paul are you that petty? Why can't you just go to the left toilet. I'll answer those for you. Yes I am that petty, and right is my favorite direction.  Derek Zoolander and I have three things in common: We are really really good looking, we're even better looking doing blue steel, and we avoid going left at all costs. For instance, when I'm driving, I hate turning left, I never feel like I have enough time to do this and I'm not going to see an oncoming car until it hits me, and afterwards I'll be sued and the other person will win and take my old lego spaceship set. And who wants that. So I guess I'm going to be turning right to the bathroom until this mystery girl's fighting spirit is crushed.

Until next time,

Paul

Going Right

Its been about five days since I've arrived in Perth, so I guess this is due for an update. My first full day here I was completely useless and passed out from jetlag for about 18 hours. John and Andrew, who are also from my college and doing this semester with me (They'll be referred to a lot in this blog) had been here for three days when I arrived and just drank the jetlag out of them. Now I am all about responsibility, so I decided not to go down that route. Classes didn't start until the week after I got here, I just had to be around for one two hour orientation meeting on Monday, and for the rest of this week I have been free from school commitments. The bars and beaches have been frequented a lot since I've been here. Let me tell you something about Australians: they love to get into fights with each other. I think I've seen more fights here than I have my entire life, and I once saw the opening frenzy at Kay-Bee's Toys after they got a new shipment of Power Rangers. 

About 15 my friends and I went to a casino and nightclub last night. After giving people three hours of my white man's overbite dance, I was ready to hit the floors and begin the hunt for the blackjack tables. As I sit down at a $10 table I am horrified to look to the dealer's left and find the bane of gambling existence: The automatic shuffler. Now I have only been to casinos 4 times before this, all while I was in France this summer. Twice I went to a place with no automatic shufflers, doubling my money both times, and twice I went to a place with the gambler's worst nightmare, and was lucky to leave with my socks (they're really comfortable). I took the same amount of money every time I go, which isn't much, so in the end I broke even, but I learned to avoid the gambler's Roger Klotz (a reference to Doug, for those of you still wondering) when I can. I knew I should have gotten up and walked away, but I had a vodka-redbull in me and felt like I could conquer anything. That didn't happen. I wasn't entirely cleaned but I knew there was no way I'd win back what I lost, so I left while I still had some chips left. 

The other day I tried surfing for the first time. I've always been a little leery towards surfing ever since The Brady Bunch went to Hawaii and Greg almost killed himself during the surfing competition. However, unlike Greg, I wasn't wearing an evil tiki statue, so the chances of that happening to me were slim. While I didn't get to the point of standing up while riding a wave, I did look very cool sitting in the water on my surfboard, and really, that's all that matters.

I live with 4 other people in my flat, two other guys and two girls. One of the girls seems intent on segregating our two toilets, trying to claim the one on the right for the vaginas. Not going to happen. I've been using the right toilet since I've arrived, and I'm not about to part with it now. While there is no actual difference between the toilet closets, I feel a bond with the right, as it has always welcomed me the morning after a night of beer and and Dominos. I can't just abandon our entire history, and to expect me to do so is ludicrous. I don't understand their problem. Its been almost three days since I've stopped peeing on the seat and duct taping it into the "up" position. The battle has begun, girl flatmate, and I'm digging in my heels. There will be no actual confrontation on my part, just a guerrilla war that I'm in for the long haul.

Until next time

Paul

flying

Here's a running diary of my travel to Perth ( all times are approximate)

9:10: I arrive at the Kennedy Airport where I have my first drink as a 21 year old.

11:24: I sit down in the plane and immediatly browse the movies TV screen in front of me carries.

11:27: I finish flipping through the "New Releases" category and come to the realization that the recent releases sucked. Just kidding with that clip. If that were playing, I would have totally watched it.

11:29: I stumble upon what looks to be a promising category: Film Club- All Time Greats.

11:30: Looks promising, I can watch classic movies I had never seen before, like Casablanca, Dirty Harry, and oh what's that one? Mars Attacks? Seriously, Mars Attacks is in this category. Yes that Mars Attacks. 

11:32: A closer look at the category reveals it also has "The Mask". One of my all time favorites growing up. Jim Carry during the good years, as well as a puberty inducing  Cameron Diaz. Can't go wrong with that. I immediately forgive Emerates Air for their Mars Attacks gaff.

11:40: After checking out all the movies, I start to look at the music, focusing on the #1 Hits in the UK from 1953-2008.

11:45: Since this is a 12 hour flight to Dubai, I decide to rank the best years of UK #1 hits starting at 1980. Nothing like a good list to pass the time

11:56: Anyone who knows me understand I have an affinity for 80's music, and let me tell you, 1983 and 1984 are looking very nice. Check out some of the top hits of 1983:

99 Red Balloons- Nena

Relax- Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Hello- Lionel Richie

Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go- Wham!

I Just Called To Say I Love You- Stevie Wonder

and 1984:

Uptown Girl-Billy Joel

Candy Girl- New Edition

Every Breath You Take- The Police

Land Down Under- Men At Work

And of course, the greatest song in the history of man: Total Eclipse of the Heart- Bonnie Tyler.

I defy you to think of a better murderers row of songs.

12:19: I try to listen to all of mmmbop without they guy next to me noticing. Kinda self-conscious about that one.

12:32: My rowmate leaves, I can listen to Hanson without fear of judgement.

12:50: I discover the joys of 30 Rock. I've always hated Alec Baldwin. Most people don't know that he spoke at my high school graduation, and he didn't seem to prepare for it until his limo was parked. His speech consisted of about 3298 unorganized papers, giving him such gems as "I have three words for you all: HELP CHANGE THE WORLD!" Thanks Alec, but I'll take my advice from someone who can count. That nonwithstanding, I still like 30 Rock.

2:30: I take a sleeping pill.

8:43: I wake up in a puddle of my own drool. This is an approximate time. I actually have no idea what time I woke up. There is nothing more disorientating than falling asleep on the plane. I have no idea how much sleep I actually get. It could be 9 minutes or 9 hours. But no matter what I never feel like it was long enough.

9:00: I begin to watch all of the Two and a Half Men episodes. Very underrated show. Also kinda polarizing. I love it but I know quite a few who don't. This usually begins a Jihad in most instances.

12:24: Land in Dubai.

12:48: I discover quite possibly the most awesome thing ever in existance: A French pastry shop called PAUL! Now I know quite a few people who have gone to Paris, and if any of them are reading this blog, I must ask: Why was I not informed of this place? A dessert shop named PAUL, you don't think I would have wanted to know about that? I would have never had a bad day if I knew that tidbit of information. Here are some pictures of the restaurant's awesomeness:

12:51: I decide to ask for a free bagel due to the fact the restaurant stole my name. I think its only fair, but the cashier begs to differ. I then try to use the fact the restaurant and I share a common bond. That didn't work either. I finally pay $4 for it.

12:52: mmm PAUL Bagel.

1:23: I get on the flight from Dubai to Perth, and realize there's a baby sitting two rows in front of me who won't stop screaming. I don't understand why airlines won't show where babies are located when you're picking out your seat. It's only fair. Sure the parents flying might be offended, but honestly, who cares? They're the ones hauling a screaming toddler who makes everyone within earshot miserable, and for what? The kid won't remember the trip at all, and is way more trouble than he's worth. You think I can recall my trip to Club Med when I was two? No, but I'm sure the people on my plane down remember me. I'm sure I was so loud I would have killed myself if I were someone else. If that makes any sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is parents shouldn't bring their kid under 3 on trips unless the only other option was to but him in foster care for a week.

1:30: My plane takes off from Dubai. I use this time to reflect on my trip to the Middle East. Most people talk about how much their stay in the Middle East changes them. I can't say I see it that way. I think they're blowing the problems there way out of proportion. I saw no poverty, I never felt anything above room temperature. I didn't encounter anyplace without running water, everyone seemed to have a laptop, I saw no oppression of women, except for the fact they didn't have access to the Men's bathroom (the outrage), the whole place seemed really clean too. I guess if my visit to the Dubai airport has taught me anything, its that I shouldn't believe everything I see in the news. 

2:10: Screaming kid, screaming kid, screaming kid. I want to scare him into silence, since nothing else seems to be working.

2:43: I start watching Death Race. I really want to know if Jason Statham looks for the most improbable scripts for his movies or if that's just how it works out. Seriously, look at his imdb: Crank, the Transporter series, and now Death Race, not a lot of Oscar winners in that category. He one "The Pacifier" away from becoming Vin Diesel.

4:05: Here's a taste of Death Race so you understand why I might come back from this trip without half my brain cells (the drinking doesn't help).

5:10: I pop another sleeping pill to drown out the uncontrollable baby.

11:30: I wake up in PERTH! my adventure begins.

Here I go again on my own...

So I'm off to Australia tomorrow. I'm studying at Curtin University, which is in Perth for four and a half months. While I'm unsure what to expect, I don't think it's too far off to expect Men at Work to be playing in my head for most of the time. Really it's supposed to be a nice vacation for a semester, with easy classes and many trips to the bar.

The purpose of this blog is to give all of you an insight into the life of the average American slacker (me) during his semester abroad. Now I'm as American as it gets. I held off registering to vote for the longest time so I couldn't become eligible for jury duty (and really, what's more American than going to extreme lengths to get out of jury duty), however, I can really see myself adopting the Australian people as my own. Only in Australia can a riot start at a tennis match. Ladies and gentlemen, that commitment to debauchery is exactly what I want to see from my new home's citizens. I do have concerns, such as the relative nonchelance Australians seem to exhibit towards the many poisonous animals found throughout the continent. My cousin's husband is from Australia and when I brought up the subject of deadly Australian animals, he shrugged it off, telling me "The only ones you'll encounter will kill an infant, but they will just get you really sick, nothing to concern yourself with." As if being hospitalized from a spider bite is nothing I need to be concerned about.

The trip tomorrow will take a full 24 hours. I will also be celebrating my 21st birthday. I already made sure to book an aisle seat so I can get heavily smashed before my takeoff and easily make the necessary frequent trips to the bathroom during the ride. I have a stop off at the Dubai airport, which will enable me to legitimately use the phrase "when I was in the Middle East". I like believe this will give me more clout than other regarding subjects which concern the region. So that in-of-itself makes this trip worthwhile. We'll see how it goes.

PK